After the Holiday Diet

Mrs. Watson was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her
on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When Mrs. Lee returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,
"Did you follow my instructions?" Mrs. Watson nodded.

"I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that
3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

Mind over Mouth

One dark, stormy, night, Frieda sat alone antisipating her favorite
evening--sitting in front of a scary, suspenseful murder mystery. Armed with a
big bag of chips and some diet soda, Frieda planned a few handfuls of chips
and a wonderfully frightful night by the television.

An hour into the movie, she was toatally mesmerized. The beautiful young couple were in love. They finally would be together, Frieda watched as the couple shared a tender moment., alone, on a secluded tropical beach, they began to hear footsteps
close by. Frieda ponderred their fate. "Who could be approaching? Who could
end this idyllic scene? What tragedy might befall the happy twosome?"

The camera panned to the raised, menacing knife. As the arm quickly descended,
Frieda let out a loud, piercing scream at the unimaginable horror occurring--she had eaten all the way down to the bottom of the potato chip bag!!!
Watch Out For Spies

To improve my family's eating habits, I stopped buying junk food and replaced it with plain rice cakes.  My wife and 2 children were not enthusiastic about the change.  One evening I went to the kitchen after the family was in bed and found my younger child, Ben, smearing frosting on a rice cake. "What are you doing?"  I asked, surprised.  "This is how we always eat them, " Ben replied.  "Mommy showed us."

I Think I Know Who This Is

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed
some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his
driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he
arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but
his smile remained cherubic.     
  "This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally
drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of
goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want
me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking
place directly in front of the bakery.'     
  "And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block,
there it was!"